A Mother's Moment On Education

This morning I am having a moment...



Anxiety

Excitement 

Nerves

Doubt

Hopeful

Scared



These are the feeling surging through me right now. We have officially decided to educate our children at home. Not because their current school is bad, but because we feel we can show them more. I want them to be able to explore any topic as deeply as they want, and to sore at their own pace. I want the best for them. 

But there is this huge voice screaming in my head "ARE YOU CRAZY?!"

Am I?

My son is in the gifted and talented program in his school,  I just found out today that my daughter made it in as well. I am proud beyond words. But we are taking them out. That sounds nutty. I want every subject they learn to be dissected the way those gifted classes do it. I believe we can do that at home. I Hope we can do that at home. 

They will not be "homeschooled" in the traditional sense of the word. They will be attending an online charter school. I believe my kids need that teacher interaction and classroom setting they find familiar. Yes they will still have many friends, yes they will meet up with classmates face to face, yes they will get a well rounded education and socialization. 

But I'm still scared. 
It's different. 

These children are my world, my everything. I have always wanted what is best for them, and now I find myself leaping off a cliff not sure what's below in hope of what's best. 



It's terrifying.



Infront of the everyone it's "oh we're so excited! We'll have great opportunities to broaden their minds. They can speed up or slow down whenever they want! We can learn subject in a whole new way. The kids can't wait!" but inside I am saying "AAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!" 

I have heard from many who decided to educate their children at home that it get's easier with time, that we will fall into a rhythm and it will be great. I am anxiously awaiting that point so I can quiet the nerves inside me. 

The fear of the unknown is something I usually do not have any issues with, but when it involves my children and their education I do. I don't want to derail their learning in any way. 

I am immersing myself in how to teach them best. When I focus on all the good points of this decision and what needs to be done to prepare It seems less scary. 

Everyone around me is so encouraging, and that helps tremendously. 

I just needed to type out my anxieties in hopes that they will subside. 

This new adventure is coming, mama better get ready!




But seriously, Am I Crazy?!



*deep breathes*
*deep breathes*
*deep breathes*



au revoir, adieu, ciao, till next time... 

To Stay

I love my house. It's perfect for our family. We're a little quarky so a log cabin with character makes sense. I like when a persons home reflects who they are. Like when dogs look like their owners! 

(see! it's perfect!)

But then another house distracted me, and I started to doubt how much I loved mine.

"Oh! Shiny and new! More land! Closer to town!" I started to think things like "If we had THAT house we could do ... or we could have ... and we could always do ... " It made my current home seem not so great. I lost sight of what I had. 

Reality Check:

I am blessed! 


Sure our home isn't perfect, but nowhere is. We have to make it perfect for us. My family and I decided our silly home in the woods was worth keeping and sprucing up. Now the fun part! We made a plan to update a few things and add some things to make it better for our lifestyle. This experience shed a new light on it, now I'm excited. New isn't always better, sometimes you are right where you need to be.

This is so much like life. There are many many times when I get distracted and lose sight of what's really important. I get caught up in insignificant things. Sometimes I need a swift kick in the rear to get back on track. 

What has you distracted lately?


God bless, au revoir, adieu, ciao, till next time... 

Transformed

I can honestly say that I have been in a "funk" spiritually for quite a while. I have not felt like myself. Wake up every day, go through the motions of life but feel an emptiness, a disconnect with my Heavenly Father. 



It has been hard on me.
Always seeking.
Knowing I was in this for a reason.
Not knowing the lesson He wanted me to learn.
Or how long this "darkness" would go on. 
Feeling lost at sea.

Those closest to me, know how I have struggled to feel God working in me. I knew He wanted more from me, but I could not put my finger on it. 

Please don't miss understand, my family life is wonderful. I could not ask for more. This was purely dealing with my heart, my salvation, my relationship with God. 



Some times we can only see the light when it becomes the darkest, and that's exactly what happened. I hit a low point spiritually. I saw a glimpse of my worldly self and I didn't like what I saw looking back at me. I was shaken, things I believed about myself to be true were brought to my attention as false. My heart broke a little. Still, there in the dark, ugliness... I saw beauty.

I realized I didn't care what others thought, I didn't care what the world saw. What mattered was what God saw in my heart. What mattered was the knowledge that He loved me no matter what.



He loved me no matter how I worshipped Him.
He loved me with my tattoo's.
He loved me when I failed.
He loved me when I succeeded.
He loved my constant seeking spirit.
He loved me.

He loves me because I AM A CHILD OF GOD.



I have never quite fit in, and I have always been okay with that. But I never looked at this "square peg in a round hole" thing as a spiritual blessing. Until now. This darkness had a purpose, just as I knew it did. I was being told it's alright to not fit. It's alright to be different. That it was alright to be me. 

Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.

Romans 12:2

I could not have said it better myself.



I am like a child on Christmas morning, so excited about the gifts awaiting me. Now that this shadowy feeling has finally passed I feel a lightness. I feel a joy I had forgotten about. I cry happy tears often, overwhelmed with the blessings and emotions that were clouded for far to long. I see clearly. 

Thank You Lord

au revoir, adieu, ciao, till next time...

Married Life, 10 Years Later

I can not believe that in one month it will be 10 years since I married my husband. Technically we've been together 12 years, but 10 as husband and wife. why do we never get to count those years? I loved those first two! 

2002

We have both changed so much since that wonderful day in August 2002. We're a little wider in the waist, and thicker in the head.

We've had our share of tough times, and many many happy times. 

2007

And wow, the things we have learned! How to be good parents, how to live for someone other then yourself, how to persevere, and how to love. How to not hurt him when he's a pain in the butt.

I love the friendship we now have. In recent years we have grown to such a comfortable/easy place. And we have a blast together! He can make me laugh so hard my belly hurts.

2012

I can not imagine what the next 10 years might bring, if it's anything like the first 10 then hang on because this is going to be a wild ride. Seriously, hang on. He takes corners in his pickup like we're on a nascar track. 



I "Live" you honey ;)  

au revoir, adieu, ciao, till next time... 

Future Guilt

It is way to early in the morning for me to be awake, let alone typing on here. Yet, here I am with my head full of thoughts that just won't stop. I have felt so guilty recently about my parenting. I'm not perfect, far from it. but I wonder... what will my kids remember about me when they're older? 


Mommy sat at her computer too much.
She couldn't cook at all!
We were always running late for school. 
She yelled too much. 
There were days our dirty clothes pile filled our rooms! 
She stressed about money.
Mom could lose her cool in an instant.
She would torture us with her bad singing everywhere in the car!
Mommy was too hard on me.


All those moments as a mom I work hard everyday to avoid, will those be the things they remember most? Will they look back and smile? Am I doing OK? I know most people will say "Oh honey, they won't think of those bad things! They will remember that you loved them, that you took them to cool places, the weekends shopping at the farmers market, the times spent on the trampoline. They will think of you when they see a classic Ford Mustang, when they burn dinner it will make them laugh thinking of the many meals you tried to cook, they will know that you did your best!"


Really? 


I'm not so sure...


I think I lose my temper with them too much. I wish I would think before I opened my mouth. I should really duct tape my mouth closed. 


I wish I woke up bright and early every day to make them a hot breakfast before school, I wish the house was always sparkley and clean with the clothes put away perfect. That's just not in the cards. 


I wonder if my mom ever felt the same way, because I sure think she did an amazing job! I remember her yummy cooking, how the house was always tidy, she always smiled at everything I did and took the time to pay attention to me. We traveled the world, and she taught me a lot about life. I don't remember bad things. Did they happen and kids just don't retain all that if the good outweighs the negative? Boy I hope so. 99% of the time it's all good around our house. 


I hope they turn out alright. I really am trying to do my best! 




au revoir, adieu, ciao, till next time...