It has been hard on me.
Always seeking.
Knowing I was in this for a reason.
Not knowing the lesson He wanted me to learn.
Or how long this "darkness" would go on.
Feeling lost at sea.
Those closest to me, know how I have struggled to feel God working in me. I knew He wanted more from me, but I could not put my finger on it.
Please don't miss understand, my family life is wonderful. I could not ask for more. This was purely dealing with my heart, my salvation, my relationship with God.
Some times we can only see the light when it becomes the darkest, and that's exactly what happened. I hit a low point spiritually. I saw a glimpse of my worldly self and I didn't like what I saw looking back at me. I was shaken, things I believed about myself to be true were brought to my attention as false. My heart broke a little. Still, there in the dark, ugliness... I saw beauty.
I realized I didn't care what others thought, I didn't care what the world saw. What mattered was what God saw in my heart. What mattered was the knowledge that He loved me no matter what.
He loved me no matter how I worshipped Him.
He loved me with my tattoo's.
He loved me when I failed.
He loved me when I succeeded.
He loved my constant seeking spirit.
He loved me.
He loves me because I AM A CHILD OF GOD.
I have never quite fit in, and I have always been okay with that. But I never looked at this "square peg in a round hole" thing as a spiritual blessing. Until now. This darkness had a purpose, just as I knew it did. I was being told it's alright to not fit. It's alright to be different. That it was alright to be me.
Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.
Romans 12:2
I could not have said it better myself.
I am like a child on Christmas morning, so excited about the gifts awaiting me. Now that this shadowy feeling has finally passed I feel a lightness. I feel a joy I had forgotten about. I cry happy tears often, overwhelmed with the blessings and emotions that were clouded for far to long. I see clearly.
Thank You Lord
au revoir, adieu, ciao, till next time...
