Future Guilt

It is way to early in the morning for me to be awake, let alone typing on here. Yet, here I am with my head full of thoughts that just won't stop. I have felt so guilty recently about my parenting. I'm not perfect, far from it. but I wonder... what will my kids remember about me when they're older? 

Mommy sat at her computer too much.
She couldn't cook at all!
We were always running late for school. 
She yelled too much. 
There were days our dirty clothes pile filled our rooms! 
She stressed about money.
Mom could lose her cool in an instant.
She would torture us with her bad singing everywhere in the car!
Mommy was too hard on me.

All those moments as a mom I work hard everyday to avoid, will those be the things they remember most? Will they look back and smile? Am I doing OK? I know most people will say "Oh honey, they won't think of those bad things! They will remember that you loved them, that you took them to cool places, the weekends shopping at the farmers market, the times spent on the trampoline. They will think of you when they see a classic Ford Mustang, when they burn dinner it will make them laugh thinking of the many meals you tried to cook, they will know that you did your best!"


I'm not so sure...

I think I lose my temper with them too much. I wish I would think before I opened my mouth. I should really duct tape my mouth closed. 

I wish I woke up bright and early every day to make them a hot breakfast before school, I wish the house was always sparkley and clean with the clothes put away perfect. That's just not in the cards. 

I wonder if my mom ever felt the same way, because I sure think she did an amazing job! I remember her yummy cooking, how the house was always tidy, she always smiled at everything I did and took the time to pay attention to me. We traveled the world, and she taught me a lot about life. I don't remember bad things. Did they happen and kids just don't retain all that if the good outweighs the negative? Boy I hope so. 99% of the time it's all good around our house. 

I hope they turn out alright. I really am trying to do my best! 

au revoir, adieu, ciao, till next time... 


Bonnie said...

Here it is coming from someone that lost her Mom. I remember the good and the bad BUT...once I became a Mom the bad was understood. Make sense? Hang in there!!! This parenting stuff is not easy.

blueviolet said...

All we can do is our best, and none of us are perfect. You can work to change the things that bother you. Your kids will definitely remember all the good stuff!

Tina said...

I love you so much, Dear.....you are the joy of my life and your beautiful words fill my heart! The fact that you wonder and worry about what your kids will remember about you tells me they will remember what a great mom you ARE and how much you cared and did for them each and every day. It's a tough job, this "motherhood gig", but with God's help, nothing else is more important or more rewarding. The key is prayer, never-ending love, and always doing the best you have to give of yourself and the rest will all clean up in the wash! Ha!